This episode was an emotional terrorist and I its victim. Is it wrong that I both loved and hated when my precious Labia Lydia took a prison shank to the back? Is it wrong that I spent 10% of the episode yelling at Offred from my couch? Don't answer those questions, because if I'm wrong, then I don't want to be right.
Season 2's finale had sadness, excitement, blasphemy and *GASP...a woman reading! *Insert I do declare meme. I'll try not to make this recap too long...pinky swear...oh snap. Sorry, Serena!
To the finale!
Rita and Offred are taking some laundry off the clothesline. It's all of Eden's FLDS Juniors Wear by Jaclyn Smith. It's a hot new line of clothing from the Duggar family collection of apparel. All the bible thumpers are wearing it. So hot right now.
Both the women discuss how they wronged Eden. Rita says she treated her like shit and Offred says she slept with her husband. It's polite to speak kindly of the dead, but in the ladies defense, it did seem like Eden was always five seconds from narcing on everyone. I feel like the ladies were a little justified in their treatment of the doomed child.
As Offred is rifling through Eden's belongings she finds a bible with Eden's notes and drawings on the inside. She takes the bible to the greenhouse where Serena is still attempting to sustain life and failing miserably. Dat gray mold, yo.
Offred points out that pious Eden was committing a sin and breaking the law by not only reading but also writing as well. She was trying to understand God. Serena shrugs it off and goes along with the ol Gilead standard of Eden was the one who was in the wrong. Offred was like, fuck that, Serena. How are you going to protect Nichole?
Serena tells Offred to git, because if there's one thing that Serena hates more than the gray mold, it's feeling feelings for the women she helped enslave and murder.
Eden's father comes to pay Nick and the Waterfords a visit. He speaks poorly of his daughter and her choices of running off with Isaac. Fred is a complete dick to Mr. Spencer and Serena attempts to say some kind words.
It's in this scene that Mr. Spencer reveals that he was the one who turned in Eden to the authorities. Rita leaves the room in tears and Offred offers up a, "You turned them in?" Why Offred continues to be shocked and surprised at the awfulness of the males of Gilead, is beyond me.
Everyone leaves the room and as Fred is passing by Offred, she blurts out a defiant, "What are you gonna do when they come for your daughter?" Fred casually closes the door and thus begins my screaming at the tevee. "Girl, whatchu doin!"
Fred slaps Offred hard across the face. She takes the slap like a champ, winds up and smacks Fred right back. Fred grabs Offred by the face and misquotes some Proverbs. “The mouth of a woman is a deep pit. He that falls therein will suffer. You are the misery of all men.” He is the WORST at knowing his bible. Fred's misquoting, whether purposeful or because he just doesn't fucking know, is a perfect summation of the Gilead patriarchy. These sadistic fucks are just making it up.
Before we leave this scene, it should be noted that Offred seems to have become one of those toxoplasmosis mice this episode. Homegirl has no more fear of the cat. I guess she's broken or breaking, or she just has no more fucks to give? Either way, it's been frustrating to watch this season as every other episode Offred is on this play the game/don't play the game rollercoaster with Gilead.
The proud parents of baby Holly get a small moment with their child. June tells Nick she loves him and I softened my cold dead heart for 2 minutes. My biggest question I had about this scene was, did Rita know Nick was the father? I mean, she does now, but did she before this?
Emily and her loyal group of handmaids are on a walk-about. "Down to the wall to see the dead bodies, ladies," the town chimney sweep asks. "Me mistress gave me two shilling to buy some brekkie at the Loaves and Fishes," Janine calls back.
Despite the fact that I constantly feel like the good folk of Gilead should speak with old-timey British accents, the ladies did not have this conversation. They did, however, visit Eden and Isaac's bodies and casually talk about having a birthday party for Emily's son Oliver. The ladies all seem to feel like life is worth living. All except for Emily. She definitely was without hope this scene and I once again shouted from my couch, "Hang in there, girl!"
Serena is attending a VIP all blue party over at the Putnams. The ladies begin to discuss whether life has a purpose for both boys AND girls. Mrs. Putnam eventually shares that the other ladies also have concerns and before you know it, they are standing in front of the Gilead council asking for women to be allowed to read the Bible.
As Serena read aloud from the good book, with all her blue man group lady friends behind her, I couldn't help but think of that Anchorman meme. That escalated quickly.
Fred meets her outside and is like, yeahhhh, what you did was uncool. Cue the guardians who take her away and chop off her pinky. In the good ol days it was a whole hand.
When Serena gets home, Fred helps her up the steps and tells Offred that she's had a "difficult day." After Fred leaves the room, Offred attends to a shook Serena. She unwraps her hand to reveal her lost finger. She tells Offred, "I tried.
Offred confronts Fred in the kitchen and he could care less. Fred looks really awful. He seems gaunt, with black circles around his eyes. He reminds me of a zombie from a George Romero movie. Makeup is doing a fantastic job of making him look like the monster that he is.
Eventually, Fred tells Offred that if she behaves and is obedient, she can stay with them. Offred didn't come to play this episode, so she says "G* fuck y**rself, Fr*d."
At Commander Lawrence's house, Emily takes a knife from the kitchen and hides it in her dress. Later on, she kneels down in the living room, awaiting the ceremony to begin. When Lawrence enters the room, he's like, what the hell are you doing? She's like, waiting for my ritualized rape to begin, what else? He tells her that he won't do that with her and sends her back up to her room.
The next day, Big Lyd comes over for a check up on Ofjoesph, aka Em Dawg. That's her prison name. Lyd asks how the ceremony went and Em Dawg is silent. Lydia reveals that she spoke with the Commander and he says it went great! Praise be!
Emily remains silent, not saying a word about the lie that Lawrence told the sadistic aunt. When Lydia still doesn't get any response from the Handmaid she says, “it’s like I cut out your tongue.” Wrong words, bitch!
Em Dawg remembers her prison training, unveils the shank and plunges it right into the back of Lydia's shoulder/neck area. Then she pushes her through the banister and she crashes down to the 1st floor below.
Em jumps down and kicks Lydia repeatedly. I scream from the couch like a rabid raccoon, "YAS!!! YASSSSSSS!!" My eyes filled red with the thirst for more blood until I remembered my obligations. I needed to set fire to my cell bed to keep the guards distracted while Em Dawg finishes her business. I traded 10 cartons of cigarettes to get that lighter, and now it will finally be put to good use. Down with Gilead!!!!!
Cora comes in and yells for Lawrence to get an ambulance. Emily is sent to her room where she laughs like an unhinged mad woman. Her laughter eventually turns to tears.
Lawrence eventually retrieves Emily and puts her in the back seat of a vehicle. He's channeling his best Nazi scientist routine by torturing Emily with loud Annie Lennox.
Rita to the rescue!
There's a fire and chaos happening across the street. Rita comes in and tells Offred “Come. We can get you out. You and the baby, but you have to go right now. Go get your shoes.” Holy shit!
Thus begins the Martha Underground Railroad.
Before June leaves the house, she's waiting with a Martha near the garden. Serena sees them and I shout at the tevee once more, "Don't fucking talk to her, June! Just go, girl! Girl! GIRL?! What are you doing!? Oh my God, what are you doing!?!?!"
I don't really know what the dialog was here because I yelled a lot. I will tell you what I saw. I saw June (she's free again, so I will call her June), talking with Serena. I saw her taking her sweet ass time. I then saw her hand over baby Holly and it was at that point that I had a damn aneurysm.
Finally, after what seemed like an hour, baby Holly, June, and the Underground Martha run off into the night. Serena is left with just her 9 fingers, her gray mold, her barren uterus and her tears. Eat a butt, Serena.
The chain of Martha's brings June and the baby through backyards and past obstacles. Eventually, the last Martha drops her at the edge of some grass reeds near a tunnel. She waits and shows Holly a picture of Hannah.
When an SUV stops short of the end of the tunnel and flashes its lights, I thought for sure it was a trap. Alas, it's Lawrence and Emily.
Sooooo, Commander Lawrence was with the Resistance? Even if he wasn't he at least helped Emily. So why all the fucking weirdness and torture if his ultimate plan was to help her all along? I have issues with this storyline of needless torture.
Another truck rolls up and Emily gets in the back. June tells her to tell them that the baby's name is Nichole. Emily and the audience are all like, WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING??? Get. In. The. Truck.
She doesn't and instead pulls her hood up over her head and walks off into the night. What's her plan? Is she gonna try and wreck shit? Is she gonna go rob Loaves and Fishes by setting up an Oceans Eleven type group made up of Martha's and Handmaids?
Whatever the case may be, I'm left unsatisfied with this season's finale and I don't know if I can put my finger on why. This episode showed June defiant, even to the end. She had the chance to leave but chose to stay and fight. Fuck that. Leave. Get out. Get an army. Come back in guerilla style and free your daughter with other well-trained badasses. Taking on Gilead alone in your little red riding hood outfit will only get you killed.
Well, that's it. The last blog. It's been real. I hope you enjoyed the bad photoshop and poorly written recaps. I know I have. We podcast episode 13 on Sunday. See you then!